People often wonder if there is hope for a healthy family following an affair.? The answer is a resounding yes.? I meet families in my private practice quite often who have been impacted by the devastating effects of an extramarital affair.? Many times a cheating spouse presents to treatment desperate to find ways to repair the damage done to the family by his or her selfish choices.
Some would assume that the cheated on spouse would seek counseling and while this may be true, more and more cheaters are making their way towards the road to redemption.? Perhaps it is their own inability to face the destruction that they have caused that inspires a shift in focus.? While it is imperative to help the individual, it is also important to treat the family unit, particularly the children.
Even when children are not privy to the intimate details of an affair (which they shouldn?t be), they are profoundly aware of the emotional damage that follows the affair.? Having an affair is like building a house of cards; it looks pretty, but it is not sturdy and it usually falls.? When it falls, it leaves a mess.
In an effort to somehow ?fix the mess,? parents must be willing to help their children recover from the negative impact of the affair.? What surprises some; is that BOTH parents have work to do.? While the cheated on spouse is the victim in the situation, he or she must be willing to work with the spouse who cheated, in a collaborative effort to provide loving balance to their child(ren) once again.
First, parents must learn to recreate an environment of security within the parent-child relationship.? This is different from the security that the cheated on spouse must feel from the spouse who strayed. ?When children lose their ability to feel safe and protected, either they develop unhealthy attachment issues or they shut down.? Either response is detrimental to the parent-child relationship because while children are resilient for the most part, they are also fragile in some ways.
What they experience within the family of origin sets the stage for other relationships that will follow.? It is paramount for parents who have experienced an affair to collectively work together to validate the children?s concerns by attending to heart matters.? The goal here is to provide a sense of safety, not add to the chaos by giving too much information or having the kids play favorites.? As much as it may hurt, the parents must work together to help children understand that they are not at fault, and that the family can heal in time.
Secondly, parents must re-establish family values.? There has to be a recommitment for family health that is deliberate on the parts of the parents.? Some parents choose to have family nights or date nights in which the desires of the family are taken into consideration.?? Just as money and time was invested into the affair, a greater investment must be given to the children to make them aware that they are a priority.? The parents must lead by example here.? It is not up to the children to define what the family values are.? While the children can certainly voice their opinions (in a respectful tone), responsible adults must establish the principles that guide the family.
Some marriages do not recover from affairs.? There are scores of couples who realize that the reasons that led to the affair, or the affair itself is too much for the marriage to tolerate.? Divorce happens.? It is a harsh reality.? This by no means serves as an excuse to neglect the emotional well-being of the child(ren) involved.? Regardless if a marriage ends or not, the adult relationship should still be strengthened when children are involved.? ?Parenting is a partnership.? Even when parents divorce, they are not divorcing the children. ??They both still have a commitment to their children that should be fulfilled regardless of the marital status.
The third and probably most important thing that parents can do after an affair is work together for the benefit of the child(ren).?? Whether or not parents stay married they still have a relationship; a parenting relationship.? In these cases when divorce is imminent, the cheated on spouse may have difficulty getting beyond their own hurt and sometimes the spouse who cheated does not make this any easier.? If there was ever a time to becomes less self-absorbed it is when children are hurting.? That is not the time to focus on one?s ego.? This is possibly the hardest lesson that any couple healing from an affair has to face.? Their pain plays second to the pain of their children.
The fourth way that parents can help children through infidelity is to model forgiveness.? Of course this is no walk in the park, but it is important for healing.? It is now a common belief that forgiveness is more about self than it is for the other person.? The sting of betrayal can be long lasting, but when the cheated on spouse does not forgive, he or she continues to carry the burden of ?what could I have done to change things??
There is a tendency to engage in self-blaming and other self-destructive tactics, which ultimately are ineffective.?? When children see parents finding peace through the process of forgiveness, they are better suited to find that same peace, rather than take unresolved emotions with them to school and other social settings where behavioral problems often manifest.
The fifth way that parents can help their child(ren) is through practicing recovery.? Those in private practice are not encouraged to pretend that all is well and make believe that the affair or subsequent pain does not exist.? Quite the opposite is suggested.? Hurt parents should acknowledge and process their own pain (aside from their relationship with their children), but model this same need to process and heal to their children.? When children see their parents working at becoming better parents after a mistake, they are more likely to work on being better people themselves.? Recovering from an affair is hard work, but the results are worth it!
About the author
Kirsten Person-Ramey is a licensed professional counselor in the state of Georgia who specializes in treating children, adolescents, and their families who have experienced some type of turmoil.? A mother of four daughters, Person-Ramey also co-owns a film production company with her husband Roc Ramey. ? ? ?
Visit?Personallcounseling.com?to know more Kirsten.
Related posts:
- How Do Affairs Affect Children
Source: http://infidelityinfo.com/how-children-heal-after-an-affair/
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